and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
