I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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