Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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