So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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