Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
