I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
