im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
