Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
