So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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