dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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