Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize