If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
