Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
