Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize