Swine flu is the new snow day.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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