I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
