I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
