My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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