Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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