I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
