apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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