dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
