i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
