We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
