I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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