rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
