guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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