Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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