searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
