Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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