Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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