i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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