we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need a beard to bite.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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