i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
