From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
