a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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