i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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