She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
