What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize