Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
