I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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