there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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