Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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