Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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