i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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