a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
