you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
