Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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