I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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