Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
