I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Is Oprah even human
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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