1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
