SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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