Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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