I just saw a hot homeless man
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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