You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize