I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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