He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
