i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
