I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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