he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
