I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
