Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
