i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
