so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
