I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
