dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
